In anticipation of the release of my latest faith-based fitness book (click the link to pre-order!), I’m continuing to post a few excerpts from the couples’ devotional portion. Every single chapter is inspired, as the movies sometimes are, “by true events,” that is to say, life-changing trials and spiritual storms that the Lord allowed in my and Ben’s marriage to teach us how to love each other the way that He intended. It’s our prayer that everything the enemy meant to harm us will be used for good in God’s mighty and grace-filled plan for you and your spouse!
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.” -Genesis 50:20, NLT
We all remember the feeling of falling in love. The feeling of weightlessness, giddiness, like all is right with the world. We felt we would gladly drive 10 hours just to spend one with our new flame. We spent hours dreaming up ways to surprise our love with a delivery or roses at their workplace, poems attached to their door, and candlelit dinners prepared by your own two hands, hands which normally avoid ovens and skillets and other kitchen appliances like the plague (or is that just me?). We make our friends nauseated by our constant commentary on last night’s date and the recitation of every text message conversation. We joke with our new significant other that we’ll probably never argue, and what’s up with married couples being so grumpy with each other anyway?
Now, I’m not cynical about love. It has to start in a fairy land of rainbows and butterflies because if it didn’t, and we knew from the get-go how challenging relationships would prove to be, we probably wouldn’t enter them at all!
There’s a proverb that says love and eggs are best when they are fresh. And many people, still relatively new in their marriages, might agree that indeed, their love was best when it first floated into their life, beneficent and wonderful as Glenda the Good Witch. I admit that I, too, maintained that philosophy for many years. But why is that such a prevalent point of view? I believe the answer comes down to two things: immaturity and – are you ready for this one? – …idolatry.
We are born into this world immature, a word that by definition means “not ripe, developed, perfected” and “emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish.”[1] But as we grow up and endure many of life’s painful trials and learn many of its lessons, we mature. We grow from our mistakes, accumulate insight on how to succeed (and fail) at various endeavors, and acquire wisdom that we’ll carry with us the rest of our lives.
Generally speaking, it is through firsthand experience that we mature – not through osmosis, and not by vicariously living through movies and books. Until we’ve been in relationships that have traversed both valleys and peaks (not necessarily romantic ones, but friendships and familial relationships as well), most of us will go through life with an unrealistic, Disneyfied notion of what true love looks like. At the outset, we’ll be happy as a diner at IHOP whenever his bacon, pancake stack, and fresh eggs arrive, but if we detect a sour taste or bite into something unsavory, we’ll retreat and conclude that Mr. or Mrs. Right is still out there. This is immature thinking.
The second reason why I think many people (including me, at one time) have a negative opinion on the ardor and passion of long-lasting relationships, and marriages in particular, is because we make an idol of our mate. Forgive me, but when I think of a person who depends on his or her spouse for happiness and a sense of self-worth, I think of Max the Weiner Dog. Let me explain…
Max belonged to Mrs. Sabota, the mother of my best friend growing up. Max is the only dog I’ve ever met who didn’t much care for people, except for Mrs. Sabota. (I am a dog lover, by the way, but this pup even I could not love!) He was her dachshund-sized shadow when she was at home, following her from room to room, getting underfoot in the kitchen, rushing up the stairs behind her when she brought snacks up to my friend and me, and barking when unfamiliar people got too close to her. And when she’d leave for errands, he went berserk. He’d scratch at the door and whimper until he got tired, then he’d lie down in front of it, not once moving to get food or water. He definitely could not be consoled by another canine playmate or sympathetic human.
Mrs. Sabota was Max’s idol. The only time he was with happy and expressed joy was in her presence. Apart from her, he was a nervous wreck, a depressed mess of a “man’s best friend.” I’m afraid that he makes an apt metaphor for how we can be when we place our spouse on a pedestal and look to them to be our source of contentment.
Looking back up at our verse of the day, from whom, according to the Bible, are we to derive our strength? From whom are we to receive joy?
The answer: the Lord.
Today with your spouse, discuss this topic of immaturity, idolatry, and contentment and how it relates to your marriage. Talk about how each of you has grown since your relationship began, and in what ways. Be honest about how you can seek joy not in one another, but in the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, our Wonderful Counselor, Jesus Christ.
What is one thing you can start doing today that will bring you closer to Him, the One who created you, the One who knows the number of hairs on your head, and loved you enough to give His life for you?[2]
When you put Jesus first and find your joy in Him no matter the circumstances, you will be amazed at how your marriage flourishes and thrives as a result.
“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” –Romans 15:13, NLT
[1] Dictionary.com
[2] Luke 12:7